Not Another Soldier Read online

  I look around and scowl. I’ve forgotten something. “Shit.” My car. It’s still at the hospital. I laugh at myself, though I’m not amused. My leg has felt better. I forget about it a lot—maybe I deliberately block it out until moments like this. A lot of time spent in the gym, almost killing myself to get into shape seems to have blocked the dull ache I get a lot. However, moments like this, it stabs through me, reminding me of my mortality. Reminding me why I’ve stood by Sienna’s side for so long, even when it all looked hopeless. Because if anyone’s worth living or dying for, it’s her.

  In spite of the pain, a surge of unspent energy is bouncing around inside me that needs working off, so I settle for walking to the hospital. I could probably catch a bus or hail a cab, but I’ve got nothing else to do. Maybe if I walk enough, I’ll calm down and figure out how to deal with Sienna, and hopefully forget the throb in my calf.

  Of course, half the energy comes from that fact I’d assumed possibly she’d let me take her back to bed. In spite of my anger, just the thought turns me on. Damned stubborn woman. So determined to make herself miserable.

  I begin my walk, head down, stewing inside. I nearly get run over as I cross because I can’t think straight. Am I giving up on her? I’m not sure. I’ve waited this long, am I really going to just throw our friendship away because I failed at the first hurdle? But I’m still in shock. I’d been so convinced that one night—no, morning—together was all we’d need. The shutters would finally fall and she’d see that she’s meant to be with me. I’ve been waiting for that moment for what feels like forever.

  By the time I get my car and get back to base, I’m still buzzing with energy but my temper’s calmed. Shit, I was pretty harsh. I wonder if there will be any way to salvage things. I shove open the door and follow the corridor down to my room. Fumbling for my keys, I unlock and kick the door. Once I’m in, I slam it shut and feel the wall vibrate with the force. The first thing I do is slump on my bed. What was I thinking storming out like that? Throwing a fucking tantrum?

  I know what Sienna’s been through more than anyone and I’ve been an asshole. I stare at my ceiling and curse Rob for the billionth time. Why couldn’t he have treated her better? Why did he have to damage her so badly?

  A smile creeps across my face, in spite of everything, as I remember when we first met her. She’d been so vibrant and funny. Pretty much all of us were drooling over her. She’s one of those people who draws other people to them. Like Rob really. And I guess that’s why she ended up with him rather than me.

  And whose fault was that? If I could go back and kick my twenty-four year old ass, I would. I was always the brooding guy. The one who was quiet and mysterious until you got to know me. It worked well enough but Rob… once he saw something everyone else wanted, he had to have it. He figured I liked Sienna, so guess what? He got her.

  Then he drained the life out of her. I don’t think she realizes how much I noticed. The only time the old Sienna returned was those six months when Rob was away. She was afraid for him—not that the jackass deserved it—but she was free again, even if she didn’t realize it at the time. God, what I wouldn’t give to have that woman back again.

  The woman I’d finally found this morning.

  With a groan, I flick on the TV I need to stop thinking about it all, just for a while. I need to calm down and figure out my next move. I shudder and grimace as I eye my bare room. It feels cold compared to Sienna’s place. It’s better than what the lower ranks have. God knows, I’ve lived in some shit holes in my time in the Marines, but it’s pretty sad being in your thirties and living in a single room. If you weren’t in the military, everyone would think you were a loser. You do wonder sometimes why you bother putting life and limb—literally in my case—on the line for this. It’s not exactly a life is it? Some of the guys buy houses but I don’t see the point, not if you’re going to move on. And renting them out is too much hassle. I’ve got money saved but…

  I stare unseeingly at the TV. Guess I’d always held out hope that eventually Sienna would come to me and I could buy her a house. Rob had all that. Someone to come home to, to eat with and chat about his day. Damn, I envied that. But what kind of man wants their best friend’s wife?

  I’ve battled with that guilt for so long, I’m used to it now. And Rob is dead and Sienna needs someone. Needs me, even if she doesn’t know it yet. I jump up and grab a beer from the mini-fridge I keep in my room. Cracking it open, I take a determined drink. I’m done standing by Rob. I did my part, played the loyal friend and watched as he fucked up his life and his marriage. Fucked up Sienna’s life. In the military, loyalty is everything. You don’t fight for the politicians or whatever bullshit reason they give you. When you’re on the battlefield, you fight for your buddies. But I’m done being loyal to Rob, even in death. He wasn’t the guy I used to know, the boy I played soldiers with as a kid. And I’ll be damned if he’s going to ruin my life too.

  I don’t know what I’m going to do yet, but somehow I’m going to get Sienna and make her mine, once and for all.

  ***

  Sienna

  I’m driving to work when I see the flash of blue lights and hear the sound of a siren. I glance in my rearview mirror, intending to see if I can move aside but realize the cops are signaling for me to pull over. I frown. Maybe my taillight is out? I wasn’t speeding.

  Searching for an easy way off the road, I spy an emergency turn-off and flip my blinker. I sit in the car, turn off the engine and roll down the window as the officer approaches. My palms are clammy. What is it about the law that makes me always feel like I’ve done something wrong even when I’m totally innocent?

  “Hi,” I say meekly as the cop comes to my window, “uh, Officer,” I add.

  It’s a woman. I don’t know if I’m more or less comfortable with that. Her black hair is pulled tightly back and she has a no-nonsense look to her.

  “License and registration please, ma’am.”

  I snatch my bag from the passenger seat and dig frantically around for my wallet. It feels like it takes me forever to find it and I’m sure I hear her feet tap as she waits.

  Finally finding it, I draw it out and hand over my I.D. and registration with a flourish. She glances over them and walks back to her patrol car. She’s gone a few minutes and I can see her lips moving and her tapping on the computer in the car. A few minutes later, she returns. “Can you step out of the car please?”

  I frown but I’m too nervous to ask her why. I wrack my brain to think of what I could possibly have done wrong. As I climb out, she motions for me to stand at the side of the car and her male partner gets out of the patrol car. I notice they both have their hands rested on the butt of their guns and my pulse quickens.

  “Ma’am,” the female police officer says to me, “there’s an APB out for your car. We have information that it’s involved with a drug trafficking ring.” My jaw drops. Drugs? Me? Do I really look like a drug user or… or transporter or whatever? I want to say this but I can’t seem to make my mouth work. “Do you have any drugs or weapons in the car?”

  “N-no, of course not.”

  “We’re going to have to search your car.”

  I nod. “Okay.” My voice comes out a squeak. That irrational fear they will find something is creeping in. Which is insane. I’ve never done drugs. Well, the tiniest piece of pot in college but it made me so ill I never touched it again. They’re not going to find any drugs but I still twine my hands together nervously.

  “Ma’am, I’m going to need to do a quick body search. Do you have anything on you that you shouldn’t or that might stick me?”

  I shake my head dumbly. I dart a glance around. Could this day get any worse? Cars are still traveling by, slowing down to see the action. Now they’re going to see me getting patted down like a common criminal.

  She guides me to spread my arms out and begins brushing her hands over me. She’s quick and thorough, and it doesn’t seem particularly invasive, but I
still feel kind of dirty.

  When she nods to her colleague, he gets back in the patrol car. I see him talking on his radio. “Ma’am, we need to take you to the station for questioning.”

  “Seriously? But I haven’t done anything!”

  She eyes me gravely. “I need you to come down to the station.”

  I stare at her in astonishment. “Am I under arrest?”

  ***

  I study my shaky hands as I sit on the cold bench. Why is there an APB on my car? I’ve never done anything. Seriously, nothing. Once I got married, that was it for excitement and crazy behavior. I barely even drink anymore. I lift my head and glance quickly around the dark parking lot outside the station. Cars come and go, some picking up rough, criminal types. I can’t believe they had me pegged as one of them.

  Nibbling on a nail, I grimace as my head begins to pound. Today has been too much. Attacked by a stranger, sleeping with my best friend and then almost arrested as a suspected drug trafficker. I tap my feet on the ground and wait, clenching my still shaking hands tightly.

  The cops hardly told me anything, which is the worst thing really. All the stony silences and suspicious looks. They asked me about work, my life, my marriage. They were very interested in Rob which made me uncomfortable. Even trying to relate back the state of things between us makes me edgy. I don’t like admitting to my failure as a wife. They even asked me about my finances. I told them everything, of course I did, but you could tell my answers weren’t what they were looking for. Hell, I don’t even know what they were hoping to get from me. I don’t jaywalk without feeling guilty.

  I sigh and rest my chin on my hand. I can’t believe I called him. But who else was I going to call? I don’t have anyone else and they’ve still got my car, though I guess they didn’t find anything or they wouldn’t have released me. I’ve never been so scared in my life—not even when Rob tried to hurt me—and right now, regardless of what happened between us today, I want my best friend. I just hope he’ll forgive me for the way I behaved. Nick had sounded annoyed until I mentioned the fact I’d been held for questioning at the station. Then he just went all gruff and told me he’d come get me before hanging up.

  My heart bounds against my chest as I spot his black Jeep. He pulls up directly in front of me and leans over to open the car door. “Get in.”

  Great, now I feel like a child being scolded by a parent. I climb in, noting he doesn’t offer to help with the seatbelt. Twining my fingers in my lap, I peek at his cold expression, dread curdling in my stomach. I guess I handled everything worse than I realized.

  “What happened?” he asks brusquely as he drives out the parking lot.

  “I got pulled over on my way to work… shit, I haven’t even called them yet.” I wave my hand—to myself more than anything. “I’ll call them in a bit.”

  No way am I going in now. I’m still shaken up by everything. Thankfully my boss is really understanding. My gut pangs. We’re short staffed, as usual, but I didn’t even take time off after Rob died so I shouldn’t feel guilty really.

  “Anyway, the cops said there was some kind of APB on the car or something. Like it’s been picked up as having something to do with drugs.”

  Nick’s brow furrows. He still looks kind of cross with me. “And…?”

  “And they searched the car and me. It was pretty scary,” I admit. “I don’t think they found anything but I’ve got to wait for the car to be processed. What I don’t get is why there would be a marker on it? Surely there would be some reason for them to believe it was involved in drug dealing? And, Nick, you know that used to be Rob’s car.”

  “So?” He keeps his gaze ahead as he navigates the streets. I glance at my watch. It’s nearly eleven p.m. but there’s still plenty of traffic on the street, I guess ‘cause it’s the weekend.

  “Nick,” I say, exasperated. I need answers. “Was Rob doing drugs or selling them or something?” His face remains blank. “Nick, if you know something, please tell me. I don’t want to remain in the dark about my husband.”

  He visibly winces at the word. Why does that hurt him? He rubs his head and rakes his free hand through his hair before securing me briefly with a serious expression. “Rob didn’t take drugs.”

  “Okay…” I can hear the ‘but’ in his tone.

  “I think he dealt.”

  My hand goes to my mouth. Drug dealing? What the hell…? How could I have been so blind? I fight to find some words to respond. Did I ever really know Rob? I don’t understand how he could have been doing something like that without me knowing. But I don’t think I ever knew him well. Not until the day he tried to strangle me. “Do you… do you know for sure?”

  “Let’s just say, a guy got caught using and he named Rob as his dealer. No one could prove it and you know Rob could talk his way out of anything.”

  “Why didn’t you say something?”

  “What could I have said? He was your husband, Sienna, and your marriage had nothing to do with me. How could I barrel in and just tear apart your marriage over rumors?”

  “No, that’s right. Protect your own, right?” I cringe at my bitter tone.

  “Actually I thought I was protecting you.”

  God, could I feel any more of a bitch? I wait a few moments and try to get my words straight in my mind. “You’re right and I’m sorry. All of this has left me so confused. It just feels like I’ve had one shock after the other recently.”

  “I know.”

  “And I know I haven’t dealt with… everything very well.”

  “I know.”

  I raise an eyebrow. “You’re not going to make this easy on me are you?”

  His lips twist into a wry smile. “Should I?”

  “I don’t know what you want from me, Nick, but I really can’t offer much at the moment. I’m sorry I messed up and said some stupid things. I didn’t express myself well. But I really need you as a friend right now. I don’t want to lose that.” I put on my most imploring face. “Please?”

  He shakes his head slowly as if he can’t believe he’s even listening to me. “Damn it, don’t look at me like that.” His face relaxes and I notice his grip loosen on the wheel slightly. “Of course we can be friends. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to let things slide. I do want more. And I know you do too. I guess you’re just going to take some convincing.”

  Why oh why does that idea thrill me so much? I release a little laugh but don’t argue. We’ve reached a kind of tentative peace and I sense our usual bantery relationship slipping into place.

  “Don’t get your hopes up,” I say with a grin to try to soften the blow. I mean it and feel like I have to say it but I don’t want to break our truce.

  “Babe, you forget just how determined I can be. When I want something, I get it.”

  Heat floods my face. I’m that something. Crap, I’m that something. It sends thrills shooting through me even though I don’t want it to. I study him out the corner of my eye. He’s in sweat pants and a tight T-shirt. Workout clothes probably. His blond hair is slightly messy as if he’s ruffled a towel over it. God, things would be a lot easier if he wasn’t so sexy.

  For want of something to say, I tug my cell out my handbag. “I’m just going to call my boss.” I frown. “Didn’t you leave your car at the hospital?”

  “Yeah, I walked.”

  “Walked? It’s like miles.”

  He shrugs. “Let’s just say I needed to burn off some frustration.”

  I laugh but it’s cut short by the hungry look in his eyes. I turn away before he can see my reaction to it. My whole body feels alive with sensation and it’s like I can remember every touch from this morning. How is it possible for one look to do such a thing?

  ***

  By the time I’ve called my boss and we’ve driven home, things feel almost back to normal. Nick still seems tense but is at least talking to me. I’m beginning to think all this was just a coincidence. Attacked and almost arrested on the same day. Weird c
oincidence, but maybe I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Security never saw my attacker and no one else had any problems.

  Thankfully my boss had heard of the attack and was feeling sympathetic enough to let me have the rest of the night off. We have two beds free for a change which probably helped, though I bet they’ll be filled by the time I go back to work in two days’ time.

  It’s dark in the car but I can almost feel Nick’s gaze intent on me.

  Did he really mean it? That he wouldn’t give up? Surely he can see it’s not worth his time. I don’t feel like I’m worth anyone’s time really. I’m not the fun, interesting girl I used to be. Rob, and the military life, took care of that. Having your life controlled from every angle does tend to suck everything from you. Problem is, there’s a small part of me that thinks I might just give in to him one day. That I won’t be able to fight my need for him.

  But I can’t want him. I keep reminding myself of what it was like. Never quite knowing where you stand, moving away from your friends and home yet again. And the loneliness.

  We pull up into my parking spot and sit for a moment. My heart does a little jump. Nerves or excitement? I don’t know. Nick’s presence has a way of making me feel as if I’m always on alert.

  “Thanks for coming to get me. I know… I know I pissed you off and I really appreciate you helping me out. I’m-I’m not sure what I would have done—”

  “Sienna, I wouldn’t have left you alone behind bars.”

  I stifle a giggle. He says it so seriously that it makes it sound like if he hadn’t have come, I’d have been rotting in jail forever.