Not Another Soldier Read online

  But I can’t, for the life of me, force my hands to stop as I reach into his briefs. His heat fills my palm, so solid. Almost frighteningly solid. He feels amazing. Hot, pulsing, thick. I lick my lips and am aware I must be blushing at the invitation I sent out.

  “Geez, don’t do that to me, Sienna,” he grates out as he thrusts gently against my hand. “You should see how hot you look, your tongue darting across your lip.” Nick presses a thumb to my bottom lip as his other hand tugs my hair back so I have no choice but to stare up at him.

  When he claims my mouth again, my pulse ratchets up. I still have a hand in his briefs and the other, well, I don’t know what it’s doing, but I guess I’m trying my best to touch every part of him. His callused palm is gripping my ass once more, almost painfully, but it’s just enflames the sensations rocketing through me. It’s like he’s marking me with his hand.

  The hand skims my back, making my flesh tingle, and with one quick snap, my bra is undone and whipped from me. My nipples peak instantly and I suck in a startled breath as he palms one breast. I close my eyes and savor it. It’s as though I’ve never been touched there before. But I have. It’s just Nick has never touched me there before.

  He tugs my nipple until it’s impossibly hard and lowers his head to take it in his mouth. I finally remove my hand from the heat of his briefs and spread my fingers through his hair. As I glance down, I’m struck by how erotic the sight is. I’ve seen it before, with Rob and my previous boyfriend, but it never made my body tense with such need that I might explode with the smallest of touches. I’m so achingly ready for him, it’s insane.

  Nick moves over to my other nipple and bites and sucks on it as I make nonsensical noises. When he brings his head up, his eyes are hooded, pupils wide. He doesn’t grin which is unusual. He looks deadly serious. A dart of apprehension shoots through me and I tremble as he hooks his fingers into my panties and begins to slide them down. He takes them down to my knees and they fall off the rest of the way. I need to cover myself but his gaze has me pinned. I probably look awkward standing there as he takes in the sight of me.

  One hand hooks around my neck and pulls me into him. I end up with my head buried into his shoulder as he strokes his hand over my bare bottom and murmurs in my ear. Words like beautiful and amazing and so many other words of flattery that my cheeks are probably crimson.

  With my head still pressed against him, I force down his briefs, pulling them away from his cock. His length presses against his stomach as I look down the planes of his torso, and he helps me pull his underwear all the way off.

  I skim my nails briefly over his rear and he hisses when I bring my hand around to brush my knuckles over his shaft and circle him. He pulses lightly against me and I draw back to stare up at him.

  Gaze connecting brashly with mine, he lifts me once more, forcing me to cling to his neck. Our bodies contacting seems to ignite the spark between us again. He lays me down gently and his hips end up cradled between my legs.

  I sweep my hands up and down his arms and over his back as he kisses my neck and collarbone, scattering pecks and nips down to my breasts and back up. Writhing, moaning, I work my hips against him, urgently needing some kind of release.

  His skin is hot and smooth and taut, and it’s insane how beautiful he is. I almost want to close my eyes to it as I fear he might just send me crazy with need. His cock rubs my folds. Nick moves roughly against me but it’s not enough and I know he’s teasing me, even though he seems as carried away as I am.

  He keeps muttering my name, like a prayer or a chant. It sounds so sexy coming from his lips. I feel sexy. Though I wriggle in invitation, he ignores me, mumbling a curse and trying to keep me still with one hand to my ass.

  “Sienna,” he growls, “if you don’t stop, this will be over before we’ve started.” He raises his head briefly as I make a disappointed noise. “I’ve been thinking about this for too long. I want it to last.”

  “Nick, oh God, don’t make me wait.” My voice sounds weak and husky.

  “Fuck, you know I’d do anything for you.” He separates us slightly, enough for his hand to slip down my stomach to my pussy. The touch of his finger at my juncture electrifies me and I bite into his shoulder to smother my cry.

  Then he moves that finger in slow, torturous circles, and I try to move my hips in time with them but his powerful body keeps me pinned. The pressure builds, intensified by the constant stroke of his mouth on my breasts, neck and lips.

  When he finally plunges two fingers in, I am more than ready. I think I gasp his name as the pleasure explodes through me. Nick draws the sensations from me with careful strokes. I must have closed my eyes because when I open them, his blue eyes are intense, focused entirely on me. My chest constricts as I feel like the only person in the world that matters. It’s a feeling I suspect I’ve never experienced.

  “Christ, you’re amazing,” he mutters and comes down for a kiss.

  I twine my hands in his hair and wonder what he means. He’s the amazing one. That he can bring me so close to the edge so easily is astonishing. Rob rarely managed that.

  I’m tempted to reach down and feel his hardness, but I remember he said he didn’t think he could last long so instead I wriggle out from underneath him and coax him onto his back. If I can’t touch, then at least I can admire. He presses his palms into my waist as I straddle him, rake my nails across his solid chest and trace the indents in his stomach. With one finger, I follow the line of hair to his cock and around down to his thighs.

  He watches my every movement, his gaze flitting between my face and my breasts as I massage the tops of his legs. Each masculine sound of appreciation makes my body clench.

  I offer him a tilted grin as an especially loud groan comes from him, but my smile quickly drops as his eyes grow dark once more. Sitting upright suddenly, he scoops me easily into his arms and scoots to the edge of the bed. With my legs hooked around him, his hands cradling my rear, we’re so close to joined, it’s unbearable.

  His mouth is upon mine, hungrily exploring it with his tongue. He pants as he pulls back. “Do you…? Protection…”

  “In-in my bedside table.”

  Thankfully he’s able to lean over and rummage in the drawer without releasing me. He even keeps kissing me until he has to break away to tear open the packet and sheath himself.

  When he finally takes me, it’s sharp and exquisite and almost painful. He fills me perfectly, the hot hardness makes me cry out. Nick mutters an apology but I don’t want to hear regret so I rock into him.

  Guided by his hands on my ass, I move experimentally, my body already tight and responsive. It’s nearly unbelievable how much pleasure his cock in me brings. But we can’t hold off too long and Nick’s restraint snaps. His lips are everywhere as he urges me to move harder and faster.

  With a subtle growl, he lifts me, still plundering my mouth, and flattens me against the wall. He controls the pace now and it’s frantic and wild. My hands go all over as I try to hold on. The cold press of the wall against my spine is an electrifying contrast to the heat of his chest against my breasts.

  I tilt my head back and his lips find my neck as he pounds into me. This is crazed and abandoned sex, as if we’ve both snapped. I don’t know if it’s the adrenaline from earlier or whether it’s just Nick, but it’s incredible. I’m pulsing around him, each thrust makes my blood sing. When it hits, it will blow me away and I’m terrified yet so ready for it. If I don’t come soon, I may just explode in spite of my recent orgasm.

  The friction inside me builds as he presses harder. I’ll have bruises on my back later but at the moment I don’t care. I want more. More Nick, more sex, more sensation.

  “Yes,” I moan as my body contracts around him. “Oh God, yes.”

  I’m tense everywhere but there’s no slow build. My climax hits suddenly and sharply, sending my limbs shaking. I squeeze my eyes so tightly that they hurt, while the throbbing continues on and on, making me hot and lim
p.

  Through the pulses inside me, I become aware of Nick’s cock tensing and he lunges several more times, hard, relentless thrusts, before releasing a harsh groan. He milks himself inside me and we pause, sucking down deep breaths, still joined.

  The lethargy is already spreading through my limbs, a warm buzzing sensation and I make no protest when he carries me back over to the bed and separates us. I’m vaguely aware of him pressing a kiss to my temple before he pushes my legs under the bedding.

  “Wow,” I mutter, not meaning to but unable to prevent myself from saying it anyway.

  My eyes are shut and I’m already drifting into a world of abstract thoughts. Nick seems to feature in most of them as I float off.

  ***

  The scent of something rouses me. Coffee. I rub my eyes before pulling them open and glance at the digital clock on my bedside table. Four p.m. Shit, I’ve slept most of the day away. I’m working tonight but I usually only sleep for about six hours during the day when I’m on nights. It means I can squeeze all my chores in and not have to worry about them the next morning.

  I run a hand through my mussed hair, grimacing as my fingers meet knots. Knots created by our lovemaking. Is he still here? Surely he hasn’t spent the whole day waiting for me to wake? But he must be if the smell of coffee is anything to go by.

  Drawing the sheets away, I eye my naked breasts. Red marks mar them, evidence of our desperation. My heart drops. I can’t believe I let that happen. It was amazing. I squeeze my eyes shut again as my body clenches in remembrance. More than amazing.

  But still a mistake.

  I can’t be with a soldier ever again and I’ve probably ruined the most important friendship in my life. How can I look at him the same when I know what it feels like—my cheeks enflame—to have him inside me? How can I control myself now I can say exactly what he looks like naked? When he wears those T-shirts, I’ll be able to recall how firm and muscled his chest is. I’ll remember the taste of his skin and the noises he made when I kissed his nipples and stroked his shaft.

  Eyes snapping open, I run my hands through my hair again and slide out of bed. I dig out my scruffiest PJs and throw them on. My vanity wants me to look great but I don’t think it’s a good idea right now. If he feels even half of what I feel, then I do not need him being the faintest bit attracted to me when I tell him it won’t happen again.

  But then maybe he won’t want it to. Maybe it was a one off. I bite the inside of my cheek as I turn to check my appearance in the full length mirror on my wall. Will we be able to return to normal though? I need Nick’s friendship so much at the moment. I hate to admit it but I’m still finding my feet. He’s the only constant thing in my life.

  I pull the door open and peer out. He’s sitting in my kitchen, in the same clothes as this morning. He glances up and flashes me a grin. My stomach curdles. I’m not sure if I can do it.

  I sidle in, hands clenched at my sides. He looks so at home in my apartment. He has a cup of coffee in his hands and a newspaper resting on the marbled breakfast bar. This is what it would be like, I realize, to live with Nick. I like it far too much.

  No, this isn’t what it would be like, I remind myself. This is not what life with a soldier is normally like.

  “Hey, I didn’t know what time you got up when you were on nights and you looked so peaceful, I couldn’t bring myself to wake you.”

  I lift my shoulder in a half shrug. “S’okay.”

  “I have coffee.” He gets up and pours me a cup, remembering to add milk and sugar just how I like it, and then slides it over to me.

  I cup both hands around it and suck in the aroma as if it will somehow bring me to my senses. This man has the ability to turn me into a jibbering, inarticulate mess. “H-have you been here all day?”

  “No. I went out for a little. Picked you up some groceries.” He gives me a stern look but I can see the amusement in his eyes. “You don’t have much to feed a hungry guy in your fridge.”

  “Sorry,” I mutter after taking a sip of my coffee. “I don’t really make a habit of having guys over.”

  His jaw tenses briefly, the amusement leaving his face and then it’s back again. If everyone smiled as readily as Nick, the world would be a much better place.

  “Well now you’ve got plenty of supplies.”

  So there’s my opening. I get what he’s saying, what he’s hinting at. I don’t know if he just wants us to be fuck buddies or boyfriend and girlfriend or something more serious but I don’t—I can’t—want any of it.

  I place my coffee down and trace the marbled patterns on the counter top with a finger. I can’t bring myself to meet his gaze. “Look, Nick, about…”

  He leans across the counter and grabs my hand. “I know things got a little crazed there, Sienna, and you’re only just finding your feet after… Rob. But we’ve been working on this attraction for some time. You’re clever, you know that.”

  “Nick, I can’t do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “This. Anything. Us.” I motion to both of us. “It was a mistake. I’ve barely buried my husband for Godsakes.” There’s a hysterical edge to my voice and I feel like an idiot but the touch of his hand is draining me, making me weak. I want to throw myself back in his arms and feel his lips on mine again.

  “I know you’ve been through a lot, sweetheart, but this doesn’t have to be difficult. We know each other better than most couples do. Hell, we’ve already seen each other at our worst. I think we’ve got a good shot at this. Especially,” he laughs, “when we have sex like that.”

  I shake my head vigorously. “No.”

  “What do you mean ‘no’?”

  “I can’t do it, Nick. Please just don’t even ask.” Tears prick my eyes. I hate feeling so vulnerable. “Can’t we go back to being just friends?”

  “Just friends? You think we can go back after that? Sienna, that was once in a fucking lifetime sex. Most people are lucky to find something like that. And now you want to be friends again? Was I the only one who felt how fucking mind-blowing it was between us? If this is out of some misguided loyalty to Rob… hell, he may have been my best friend but he never treated you right, never deserved you. If you were mine, I would work every day to make you smile. I would never treat you the way he did.”

  “I-I know. This isn’t about Rob. Please, I can’t do this again…”

  And I do know. His words spark just the tiniest flicker of doubt in me. He found it amazing too. I long to throw myself at him. To let him make me smile. But his brow furrows and I see his anger building. It sends the tiniest curl of apprehension through me. I guess an angry man will always have that effect on me. My heart aches for what I can’t have but it’s no good. Great sex is no reason for me to put myself through the nightmarish life I had before.

  “Again? What makes you think being with me would be the same as being married to Rob?”

  “No, I know… but you’re a soldier. I just can’t, Nick. Please, I don’t want to lose your friendship. Can’t we be friends?”

  “No. I can’t do that, Sienna, I’m sorry. I can’t be around you and not want you. I’ve always wanted you and I think you’ve always wanted me. How can I play your friend when I know what’s it like to have you come apart in my arms, tell me that?”

  “Shit, Nick, please don’t make it any harder. “

  He glares at me for a moment and I hear his teeth grind. I tense. Then he shoves back. “I won’t. I’m out of here.”

  He storms away, not even glancing at me, and I sink against the counter as he disappears through the sliding doors. My front door slams shortly afterward and I jolt.

  I want to cry. I think. I wrap my arms around myself and wonder where it all went wrong. In the bedroom. That’s where it went wrong. Or in the living room. Or when I started looking at him as anything other than a friend.

  But he’s right. I’ve probably always been attracted to him. As soon as the shine wore off my marriage to Rob, I began to se
e Nick for what he was.

  I’m such a bitch. A dumb, horrible bitch. Nick is the most amazing man I know. How many men would take care of their best friend’s wife? And how many men speak like that?

  If you were mine, I would work every day to make you smile.

  His words echo through my mind. I don’t doubt it. Nick could make me smile. He does make me smile. But what about the times when he will make me cry? When he’s fit enough to go back on tour and I have to spend months without even hearing a word, praying he’s still alive. Or when he spends weeks and weeks training and I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. What happens when it falls apart because we’re trying to keep a relationship afloat as we move about the country, losing our friends, losing our home? Will he ever lose his temper with me?

  I shake my head to myself. Nick’s not like Rob but I’m just not strong enough to do it. Damn, I am so weak. I turn back to my coffee and cup it again, trying to draw the warmth from it as if it could warm the ache in my chest that Nick’s absence has left.

  He’s right. It was most amazing sex ever. It really was. But sex doesn’t mean anything. It’s only sex. I’m not sure I’m convinced though. I sip my coffee. How am I going to apologize to Nick? We want such different things, that’s clear. I want his friendship and he wants…

  He wants me.

  God, I wish that idea didn’t excite me. It’s really not helping me get a grip on the situation. I glance at the kitchen clock and realize I need to get moving if I’m going to gather my uniform and clean the apartment before my next shift.

  When I pick up my discarded scrubs and underwear, a pang strikes me and those wretched tears are back. Life-changing sex… well it could have been, but I guess I’ll admit it, I’m too scared and too burned to let it change my life.

  Chapter Four

  Nick

  Hands shoved into my front pockets, I storm down the steps and out onto the sidewalk. I pause for a moment, fight the urge to pound my fists into the pavement. Godammit. How did everything go so wrong? One minute I’ve got Sienna, hot and amazing in my arms, and the next she’s gone all rigid and cold. I don’t know what I was anticipating, but how the fuck can she expect me to forget sex like that? How can she brush it off like it was nothing? Christ knows I’ve been no saint, but I have never had sex like that. I don’t know if it’s that I’ve been lusting—no, not lusting—wanting her for so long, but I don’t think it is. If it was, surely it would be a simple release type thing. That was more than just good sex. That was mind-blowing, lovemaking shit. I sound like a sap but let’s face it, I’ve loved Sienna for quite a while.